I was a perfect parent until I had my own kid.

The birth of your child does not define the type of mother you will be. Just like your wedding doesn't define the type of spouse you will become.

Spitty Kissing - (v.) the act of eating one's hand and covering it in drool, then wiping it on a parent's face and into the parent's mouth.

Ventrilifart - (v.) the act of blaming one's flatulence on a nearby infant.

I just used the remote to mute my child. It didn't work.

If your baby hasn't pooped in a day or two, just do a load of cloth diapers. As soon as the load starts, a load will come.

When driving home from Kroger, I had a mini panic attack when I thought I left my keys at the register. I nearly turned the car around when I realized the keys were in the ignition.

Ran to the kitchen because I forgot I was making a grilled cheese. It wasn't charred; I turned on the wrong burner.

My value as a mother is not measured in ounces; it is measured in smiles and poopy diapers.

Formula-fed baby burps smell like wet dog. Unless they burp when your mouth is open. Then it tastes like wet dog.