Tuesday, October 19, 2010


I wanted to post a snapshot of what I'm feeling in this moment. It's not a pretty picture, but its a real one.

-A close friend (who is two months younger than me) told me last week she is expecting her fourth child.
-Another friend told me a few minutes ago that they are expecting their third child.
-Three of my friends/friend's spouse had a baby in the past two weeks.
-Two of my co-workers are going to give birth in 2-3 months, so they are fully showing.

In all this and our negative pregnancy tests, I am constantly reminded that we will not be having a baby. What is God trying to tell us? What is the message I'm supposed to be getting besides the reminder that we don't have what we have been working toward? This week has been absolutely horrible to my heart. The desire to conceive has consumed my thoughts, dreams, and emotions.

In a blip of reason a few days ago, I posted the following:

So, let me just say that God really does know what He's doing. I think as women, we can get really jealous at what other women have and we want things when it's not our time. God continues to show me that He's blessed me and delivered me from pretty horrible situations, but I quickly forget those blessings when I see different blessings that other people have. I'm such an Israelite sometimes. I'm learning (and I think I'll always be learning) that God gives us what we need when we need it. He hears our prayers the instant we have them, and He always knows when to answer them.

It was a blip because I've resorted back to my bitter jealousy of others who
have what I don't have. Lord, help me remember. Please help me remember.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Another month

I've been having a really tough time lately. My two co-workers are giving birth in December and January, three people just had their babies in the past month or so (Blizzard babies!), and I recently learned that one of my close friends is pregnant with her fourth child. My first reaction was excitement and joy for her, but jealousy quickly set in and I began to cry. I am thankful she told me via technology because I would hate for her to have any association of her joyous news with my sad expressions.

Jonathan and I have been trying to conceive since January. We have been thoughtfully trying (aka using a schedule) since April. It is now October and I am growing concerned. My good friend from church who has two beautiful adopted children has been a God send for me. She is encouraging me with her testimony of her own struggles. Here is an expert from an email I wrote her:

I woke up this morning feeling kinda strange. My lungs are sore from crying. I've never been this broken up by something, but I know the harder I fall, the stronger God becomes in my life. I know God has me working at LU right now for a reason and not in a secular work place. I know God had Jonathan get a job first for a reason, so we can provide for whatever family God gives us... I can already see God working in everything. But as David said, and I'm paraphrasing, I still feel like crap.

I assumed that birth control took 6 months to leave the system, but she told me that I am misinformed like many women. Birth control leaves the body almost immediately in a week or so. For some women it can carry on for 2-3 months, but rarely 6 months. I stopped BC in January and now its September.

We'll see. I know God knows what He's doing, but I want to know what He's doing, too.