Friday, December 31, 2010

Hairchop

I was planning on cutting my hair when I got pregnant. I've been growing it out for 2 years, waiting and waiting for the chance to cut it. I grew tired of waiting and was tired of having to take the time to wash, dry, and style all of this extra weight that I didn't fully enjoy. On Wednesday, I cut 9 inches off of my hair and it feels great!!


Before and After!

I donated my hair to Pantene Beautiful Lengths hair donation program. It's similar to Locks for Love except they do not charge cancer patients for their wigs.

I adore having short hair - its low maintenance and fun to style in different ways. Long hair had its benefits, especially in the winter. I had fun curling and braiding, but it got to be a hassle every morning to make it look nice for work. My new cut can dry and style quickly. I also like the way it frames my face.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Relaxed

I am feeling very relaxed. God is in control and I'm glad its not me.
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Friday, December 24, 2010

Hard day

Today was hard. Its Christmas eve and all I see are pregnant women and baby Jesus.

We're seeing Jon's side of the family today, which means 14 people in one house. We don't have our own room since we are doing half time here and half time with my parents. I'm sick, I want to be alone, and all we have is a pull-out bed that is currently being used as a couch. My mom-in-law was very kind and let me crash in her room and watch TV. I cried a bit out of frustration in general for not having a space to uncoil, cried a bit for seeing pregos everywhere, cried a bit for not being prego, dried my eyes, wiped my nose, then cried a bit more when I couldn't get the TV to work. It felt good to cry.

(Addendum: My other co-worker had her baby today! Little Lily shares her birthday with Jesus.)

On another note, I ovulate four days off of what the app on my phone tells me. This means we have been off the whole time. Sheesh!

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Friday, December 17, 2010

God is working

God has been pummeling me upside the head this week. I'm not the one in control; He is. I'm not the one who makes the calendar; He does. It's not about how good I am or what I do to "earn" a baby, it's up to God to bless us. I can't earn His blessing or earn His love because He loves me no matter what. He won't love me less if I'm angry and He won't love me more if I'm happy. The more I obey Him, the more I realize the freedom He gives me. He wants to give me the peace He's already provided. I've been so pigheaded and clouded by emotions and selfishness that I haven't surrendered my control to Him and accepted His peace. I need to give up my will and accept His.

The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

There is no right age to be a parent. There is no perfect age to start a family. There is no one way to do anything - God has individual plans for all of His children. I have a career I love, I have two degrees and am pursuing a third, Jonathan has a job he is enjoying, he will finish his Master's degree in a year or so, and we are at a place where we just want the next step in our walks with God. He brought us to our knees in this past week and we just want to be in His will, whatever that means. If we adopt then we want to be all in. If His will is to do in vitro, then we know God will provide the funds to do so. If He wants us to wait more years, then we will do it. I know it will be painful because it won't fit what we've envisioned for so long. I know it'll suck because it's not what we would want for ourselves. But, we know that God wants what's best for us, and if we don't have a kid right now, then there's a damn good reason for it. (Yes, I said damn because this is an epic moment. Epic moments merit powerful words.)

On a separate (but maybe not?) note, we are exploring the idea that being Christian and pursuing the American dream are not the same thing. American Christianity is very different from Biblical Christianity. It's not about storing treasures and security on this Earth but rather to store treasures in Heaven and invest in people, not things and Earthly securities.

So yea, it's been a big week!!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Some results


after a month of waiting, I called the obgyn to see what the results were of Jons tests. She told me his numbers and where they should be, then she said she wasn't concerned but if we wanted to, we could see a urologist. Well, we will.

Until next entry..
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Monday, December 13, 2010

One more

We are not pregnant yet, but another one of our friends is.

They got married after us, already have a kid, and are currently working on their second one. FML.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Monday..

I'm supposed to have my period on Monday. So far my chin is way more zitty than usual, my temperature has remained high rather than lowering as it should right before my period, but I could be having another irregular period.

On an unrelated note, there are way too many strollers in malls. Just way too many.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Another good day.

My basal adventures continue. Lisa's helping me understand what the numbers all mean.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Good weekend

This weekend was really good. Both families were a joy to be with, which usually does not happen. My families (in-laws and my own family) are wonderful people with strong personalities. Usually the holidays consist of one fun family and one stressful family (the families alternate the titles on each visit). This year, both families were stress relievers instead of stress creators.

My brother's wife Lisa bought me a Basal Thermometer. She showed me how to chart my temperature and how to read the chart to determine when I ovulate and to see if I conceive before it would show up on a pee stick.

All in all it was a very good, long weekend.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Test Results

I called the Dr. Nurse and she said my hormones are normal, thyroid is normal, and everything is normal. She'll be calling me back about Jon's test results, and then she'll have me go in for a Hysterosalpingogram to check on my fallopian tubes and uterus.

More

Mariah Carey, Rachel Zoe, Christina Applegate, Alanis Morrissette, and now Pink. Celine Dion popped out twins not too long ago.

I am thankful that Guilianna and Bill Rancic are being very open about their desire and journey to have children. They have already had one miscarriage and are seeking additional treatment via IVF. Here is a very touching interview with them. My favorite part is Whoopi's encouragement to them, at the 2:20 mark.

That damn pink elephant.

Fortunately, I don't feel alone anymore. My sister-in-law is excited to have someone on this journey with her - she bought me a basal thermometer and is going to teach me how to chart everything. (She's the one who showed me the phone app that tracks the days.) My mom is very supportive, too. She still loves her grandcats and granddogs. My friend Megan has been a tremendous support, too. She's been there, done that and has the t-shirt. Both Megan and my sister-in-law understand the frustration of seeing mothers and mothers-to-be who take it for granted.

I'm done writing for now.

Another one

Another girl in our office area is pregnant now. That makes three.


Friends of ours that were married just last year are now expecting a boy. I've lost count of the Facebook babies.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Fail

I feel like a failure today. Crushed and defeated. Devastated.

I'm on the worship team at my church and our teams rotate so we sing about once a month. Murphy's Law naturally states that this would be my Sunday to sing after having one of the most emotional weeks of my life. It was tough to be an example of how to praise God through the storm because I'm not very good at it. We learned a new song that was especially encouraging/humbling/crushing/encouraging:

("Lift High" Steve Fee)

Broken people call His name
Helpless children praise the King
Nothing brings Him greater fame
When broken people call His name


God continually reminded me that it's about Him, not about me. He loves me unconditionally and wants me to have a full life, but it's still all about Him and always has been about Him. Always. I can fail, but that's the choice I make. Jesus never fails (and is also the name of another great song).

Back to my discussion board..

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Dr says..

Well, technically she was a nurse.

Anyway, she said that I likely had a chemical pregnancy, which is when the egg gets fertilized but the body lets it go right away instead of letting it stick. They still took blood to test my estrogen levels, and they want to take it again on the first day that I ovulate, which should be in a week or so. She said that 85% of couples get pregnant in the first year of trying. Guess we're in the 15th percentile.

The lady who took my blood was hilarious. As soon as I sat down, she asked how far along I was, and I said "I'm not". Then she almost cussed and said "Oh shhh.. sorry, duh, she just said that." We had a good time chatting while she tried to find a vein. I told her I had plenty of blood, but it already left my body. We hit it off right away. She hunted for a place to prick and she said I had such skinny veins. At least part of me is skinny. We talked about tattoos, boys, and how much more embarrassing it is for boys who have to give a 'sample'. I couldn't help but make a few Dexter references as she filled 3 viles with my dark red blood. I'm hoping she'll process my blood work asap so I can find out within 24 hours and not have to wait until Monday, since they're closed on Saturdays.

So there it is! It was essentially a very early miscarriage. My sister-in-law told me she bought me a basal thermometer and extra test strips. I never thought I'd be the type of woman who charts and takes my temp everyday. I suppose this is the next step if we are seriously wanting to conceive. Things aren't as easy as they seem when you watch the teenagers on MTV - we actually have to work to have offspring.

Well g'night world. I'm hopeful for tomorrow and so tired of today.


(and by the way, I heard "Puttin' on the Ritz" on the radio today. I'm pretty sure I didn't need to hear that song God, but thanks for the thoughtful reminder.)

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

In and Through

I told people that when I find out I'm pregnant, I will update my status to read "The hills are alive with the sound of music" and if I'm not, it'll say "If you're blue and you don't know where to go to why don't you go where fashion sits.."

Yesterday on my way home, "Sound of Music" came on the radio, followed by "Kids" from Bye Bye Birdie, then "I Feel Pretty" from West Side Story. (I listen to the BWay station on XM Radio). Jon and I want a little girl, so all of these songs made me think that God was telling me we were pregnant. And then I come home to more blood. I wish I could just see what is going on with my plumbing and make sure everything is okay.

The blue rubber bracelet on my right wrist says "In and Through". I asked God to help me go 'All In', and He led me through two horrible situations at the same time. One is resolved and this is still looming as He keeps leading me through the valley. A friend of mine reminded me of Ginny Owens' "If You Want Me To" when I shared about these two situations. It's a powerful song and is perfect when you're eyes are dry and in need of moisture.

More

More bleeding..

This is devastating.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Ugh

Heavy spotting..

Late

I am incredibly punctual in terms of my menstrual cycles. TMI? Well tough! I'm excited to report that I am 5 days late!! I have also noticed a change in my moods - I am more chipper and playful than usual and on the other hand, I tend to snap at things faster. I am sleeping better than ever before as well, which is a very noticable change for me.

So far, all of the home pregnancy tests are negative. We've taken about 7 so far on this cycle (which is close to $35!! yowsa!) I've likely taken about 30 pregnancy tests this year, all are negative. I made a doctor's appointment on Thursday at 3:15 to take a blood pregnancy test, which are much more accurate. If its negative, we'll be able to talk about options for getting pregnant. If its positive, then awesome!

Ahh.. this pink elephant is HUGE!!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Friday..

Friday is when my period should start. I'm going on a trip to Myrtle Beach as a staff chaperone to the Liberty University Marching Band. I will be packing feminine supplies just in case.

I told one of my co-workers that if she sees me with my hair chopped off, it means I'm pregnant.

Last night after work, I was driving home and talking to God. I asked Him to give me some kind of confirmation if I was pregnant - I started feeling like my stomach was fainting. I know that's a strange way to describe it, but it's true - it was slightly butterfly-like, but it felt like it was getting dizzy. Was it in my head? Is this all psychosomatic? I got home, took a test, while I waited I was on my face praying that I would have peace about the results, then saw the results: negative. If it was positive, I told myself I would stay home and surprise Jonathan with the news. Since it was negative, that night I went to a Mary Kay party and I was the only one there besides the host and consultant. I'm very glad I went and I had a fun time getting to know the ladies more.


Ugh, I'm just tired of waiting. I'm tired of people younger than me getting pregnant accidentally, or having no trouble on the first try. We knew before we were married that we wanted children when we were young - my 26th b'day is in February. My mom had her first when she was 26, my mother in law had her 3rd at that point. I just don't know how to not think about it. It's Wednesday and I won't really know anything definitively until Friday. TWO DAYS. It's an eternity, and the stress of it could also delay my period which would give me false hope.. ahhhhh. It's just too much sometimes.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Don't think about the pink elephant

Stop it, stop thinking about the pink elephant.

See? It's impossibile to stop thinking about a pink elephant. Same thing with babies. Every little symptom I'm having, I automatically jump to pink elephant. It could be a little gas = pink elephant. A group of zits = pink elephant. Baby ads on TV = pink elephant.


They're everywhere!!

Signs?..

My chin has erupted and I've had killer headaches a few days in a row. Plus, I've been more tired than usual.

.....

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Really?!

I wanted to post a snapshot of what I'm feeling in this moment. It's not a pretty picture, but its a real one.


-A close friend (who is two months younger than me) told me last week she is expecting her fourth child.
-Another friend told me a few minutes ago that they are expecting their third child.
-Three of my friends/friend's spouse had a baby in the past two weeks.
-Two of my co-workers are going to give birth in 2-3 months, so they are fully showing.

In all this and our negative pregnancy tests, I am constantly reminded that we will not be having a baby. What is God trying to tell us? What is the message I'm supposed to be getting besides the reminder that we don't have what we have been working toward? This week has been absolutely horrible to my heart. The desire to conceive has consumed my thoughts, dreams, and emotions.

In a blip of reason a few days ago, I posted the following:

So, let me just say that God really does know what He's doing. I think as women, we can get really jealous at what other women have and we want things when it's not our time. God continues to show me that He's blessed me and delivered me from pretty horrible situations, but I quickly forget those blessings when I see different blessings that other people have. I'm such an Israelite sometimes. I'm learning (and I think I'll always be learning) that God gives us what we need when we need it. He hears our prayers the instant we have them, and He always knows when to answer them.


It was a blip because I've resorted back to my bitter jealousy of others who
have what I don't have. Lord, help me remember. Please help me remember.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Another month

I've been having a really tough time lately. My two co-workers are giving birth in December and January, three people just had their babies in the past month or so (Blizzard babies!), and I recently learned that one of my close friends is pregnant with her fourth child. My first reaction was excitement and joy for her, but jealousy quickly set in and I began to cry. I am thankful she told me via technology because I would hate for her to have any association of her joyous news with my sad expressions.


Jonathan and I have been trying to conceive since January. We have been thoughtfully trying (aka using a schedule) since April. It is now October and I am growing concerned. My good friend from church who has two beautiful adopted children has been a God send for me. She is encouraging me with her testimony of her own struggles. Here is an expert from an email I wrote her:

I woke up this morning feeling kinda strange. My lungs are sore from crying. I've never been this broken up by something, but I know the harder I fall, the stronger God becomes in my life. I know God has me working at LU right now for a reason and not in a secular work place. I know God had Jonathan get a job first for a reason, so we can provide for whatever family God gives us... I can already see God working in everything. But as David said, and I'm paraphrasing, I still feel like crap.



I assumed that birth control took 6 months to leave the system, but she told me that I am misinformed like many women. Birth control leaves the body almost immediately in a week or so. For some women it can carry on for 2-3 months, but rarely 6 months. I stopped BC in January and now its September.

We'll see. I know God knows what He's doing, but I want to know what He's doing, too.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Nope.

I can't say that I'm empty, because God is using this time to fill us with hope, patience, and anticipation. However, I do not have an embryo growing inside of me.

We're inbetween the stage of getting our plumbing checked and just sitting back for a few more months until we hit a full year of attempts.

I'm getting tired of seeing pregnant teens on TV that are surprised that sex makes babies. I'm tired of seeing TLC overrun with weddings and quintuplets. I'm tired of everyone else getting pregnant (with baby girls) except for us. It's a lonely feeling when you're trying to create and you can't yet. I want to know why we aren't pregnant yet. I want to know why God is creating more waiting time for us. Have we not learned enough about each other? Have we not prayed enough? Do we not want it enough? Have we not waited long enough? What is it?

Every month we are more and more driven, but it leads to bigger disapointment when the test only reveals one line instead of two. We want to have a baby. We want to start a family. We want to create something that is a part of me and a part of Jonathan. When?

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Babies everywhere!

I've been able to hold two of the cutest babies this past week. I can't say which is cuter because I just can't decide!! Still waiting on God's timing but I'm enjoying hanging out with new moms and learning from them and absorbing their experiences.

I have two more friends about to pop and three more that are due in January. Wowsa!

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Trying to get pregnant? There's an app for that.

Jonathan and I just got new phones that use Droid. First of all, Droid phones are amazing! The variety of styles and the fun apps make a Droid phone much better than Apple's iPhone (as I type this on my Macbook..) There are several apps that I have tried in our adventure to babyhood. My favorite one now is called "My Days". It helps you keep track of everything conception related, from menstrual cycles to love making. The more data you enter, the more it can help predict when your highest likelihood of conception will be. I highly recommend it.

Once we get pregnant, there are tons of fun apps, including one that will tell you how big your baby is in relation to nuts and fruit! How fun!

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Hm..

Tests still say negative.
My stomach says "bleeeeeeh".

My new best friend is diet ginger ale. yummy.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

God's timing is still perfect.

According to the EPT, still not cookin' anything but we're still excited that God has perfect timing.

We signed up for disability insurance so I can take paid maternity leave instead of unpaid. It takes out around $5 a paycheck but equates to 6-8 weeks of pay, so it's a wonderful benefit that we wanted to take advantage of. There is a 2 week window to apply for this insurance each year. We applied, got approved, and are now just waiting to use the benefit :) It also covers other medical accidents, etc, that could prevent me from working.

On another note, I am officially 20 lbs more than I was on our wedding day 2 years ago. This depressing news was the kick in the pants I needed to get healthy again. I want to lose 10 lbs and stay at a healthy 145-150 range. Right now, I'm 159. Yikes. I just completed one of my pilates DVDs while Jon took a nap. It wasn't an easy DVD, but I feel like I just drank a cup of coffee!! I have so much energy now. It's also something I can continue through my pregnancy, with some modifications of course.

All in all, it's a blessing waiting on God. We may not fully realize it now, but we're excited to see how God's calendar unfolds.

Friday, May 28, 2010

We really want this.

Jonathan and I are still trying. We've been trying for about 5 months now. We are a little discouraged, but we are still comforted by the fact that God is in control and not us.

A good thing about us being stalled this long is that I can finally sign up for my job's disability insurance which will allow me to have paid maternity leave! That will be a HUGE blessing. Jon and I have already discussed that he would be staying at home for the first year or so while he finishes his Master's and I'll be working here at the University. I love my job and the people I work with. Jon is fresh out of school and has jobs that he can do from home, so we are in a very good spot.

As for finances, with my new job came a higher pay which will help us a great deal. We can survive on my paycheck but it will certainly help to have Jon work from home as well. We have a 403b (the non-profit equivelant to a 401k) and we also have been adding to our savings account regularly.

We recently moved from our townhome to a real house! We are still renting, but we have an extra room for the same price as our townhome. It was built in the 1920s and is ranch style with a very unfinished basement that we only use for storage. All of the floors are hardwood and we have a beautiful layout that will work well for whatever God throws at us :)

So, all in all, we're still waiting as patiently as possible for God to bless us with what He has in store for us.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Nothin. nada. vacancy.

It always seems that as soon as you want to get pregnant, everyone else gets preggers but you. Or is it just me? And it's usually people that either got married after you or people who aren't married at all.

Oy. God give me the peace to accept the things I cannot change.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Nothing cookin' yet...

My friend emailed me yesterday, asking if I was pregnant. The reason she was asking was because she had a dream that I was about 6-7 months along and that she was feeling my belly and we felt the baby kick. Then in her dream, I said "How can you not cry when that happens?"


We've been watching our friends' kids lately as well. Every time they come over we are invigorated by our desire to have children. :)

Monday, February 22, 2010

EPT Sucks.

Yea, I said it. EPT brand of prenancy tests suck. They are confusing and not worth the hassle. I took the test this morning, and because I threw the box out (like most women), I was very confused at the results. Rushing to google image, I entered "EPT positve test result picture" and the first 10 photos matched my results! I was so excited!! I took a half day of work and surprised Jonathan with a card and baby blanket to let him know we were pregnant! I also picked up extra pregnancy tests so we could have digital results for better pictures. The second test? Negative.. I verified this morning's picture again after 30 minutes of searching online - also negative.

I spent 6 hours thinking I was pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely take blame for not fully researching what a positive result would look like. I do not blame EPT for that. HOWEVER, this is how most women misread pregnancy tests! What woman keeps the little instructions and box? Not many. Most tests have the indicator written on the actual test rather than a separate peice of paper. I'm just saying that they could be a lot less sucky if they had an indicator on the actual pee stick like their competitors.

So, still not pregnant, but we are certainly continuing the journey of trying.

Starting a family

Why hello! This is the first blog of, I hope, many more to come.

My husband Jonathan and I want to start a family. Other than the obvious steps we need to take, I thought a blog would be a nice addition to the process. On top of chronicling my journey, I wanted to use this as a venue for people to ask questions about what we will be experiencing. I would say that no question if off limits, but that may tear down the "shroud" of privacy that a blog can deceptively hold. So, there will be some things off limits. However, I am very open so you can always try!

Let the journey begin!