Monday, February 28, 2011

Caffeine

As a prego, I can have about 200 mg of caffeine each day. I started out strong with no caffeine, but quickly learned that I miss my dear friend: soda. Oh soda, that bubbly carbination combination of sugar and acid - how I miss thee! I gave up on my usual diet sodas because the jury is still out on how much harm it can cause to Button.

I found a great chart from the Center for Science in the Public Interest that gives the caffeine content in many drinks (and drugs). After reading it over, I learned some cool things:
  • A 12oz Dr. Pepper (42mg of caffeine) has more caffeine than a 12oz Pepsi (38mg of caffeine)
  • A Hershey's Dark Chocolate bar (31mg of caffeine) has almost as much caffeine as a 12 oz coke (35mg of caffeine).
  • A Spike Shooter (300mg) has more caffeine than cocaine (288mg)
  • A cup of hot cocoa has approximately the same amount of caffeine as a Hershey's Kiss (between 9-13mg)
  • Extra strength Excedrin has 130mg

Sunday, February 27, 2011

6 weeks





This little tadpole is what Button looks like.


Pre baby weight - 162
Week 5 - 163
Week 6 - 161

My symptoms seem to occur in the afternoon and evenings. I wake up every morning with a lot of energy, ready to face the day. By the time I finish lunch, I just want to curl up under my desk and sleep. After work, I immediately take out my contacts and loaf around the house until I'm too tired to move.

My nausea has subsided a bit and is now replaced by a persistent quasi sinus infection. My bloating has gone down and I can fit back into my pants again! Woo hoo! I was going to take a Week 6 photo but I'm actually smaller than I was in Week 5, so I may wait until Week 8 or 9 before I do another photo.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Food : Part 1

I'm almost done with my 5th week and I already feel like crap almost all of the time.  To honor this occiasion, I thought a list of foods that I can eat and cannot eat would be appropriate and nostalgic. All of my recent frequent foods are bland in both taste and color.

Here are some foods that don't make me feel like I'm going to hurl:
  1. Mott's Applesauce (no sugar added)
  2. Saltines
  3. Canada Dry Gingerale (NOT Schwepp's)
  4. 94% fat free popcorn from Target
  5. More applesauce
  6. Spicy Pad Thai 
  7. Nacho Cheese Doritos

In comparison, here are some of my favorite foods that now make me gag:
  1. Peanutbutter
  2. Lasagna
  3. Frappucinos of any kind
  4. Pasta in tomato sauce
  5. Chicken in tomato sauce
  6. Steak and cheese sandwiches
  7. Jonathan's chocolate cookies
It makes me sad just to type that list. I really hope the second trimester is full of yummy foods.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

This Week's Thoughts: Week 5


Also, I think my new favorite seller on Etsy is Jellybean Apparel.

Tuesday
My desire to exercise decreases at the same rate that my nausea and fatique increase.

We had big plans to work out yesterday and at around 3:00, my body started to crash. I could smell everything, I was incredibly tired and shaky, and I just wanted to go home and sleep. Jonathan drove us home and let me be a blob on the couch while he made chicken and corn with salt, pepper, and lemon juice. It was perfect! We later made chocolate marble cookies with Amanda. They were yummy but I could only eat one, my body was done.

I'm eating the same amount of calories and I'm trying to really make them count - fruits, veggies, good carbs, fewer fries and sweets and no more caffeine or dark sodas. I thought maybe I would de-bloat a bit, but my pants still don't fit!! Looks like there's no turning back until Christmas.
------------------------
I have an underlying fear and doubt that we aren't really pregnant - What if it's another chemical pregnancy? What if we miscarry? What if it's all psychosomatic? I also have a fear that I got pregnant at Christmas rather than Vegas so I could be 4 weeks behind on a doctor's appointment if my calculations are off. March 21st needs to hurry up!!
Shortly after writing this, I crashed again and did a half day at work. I went home and slept for 5 hours, woke up, went to church, then konked out again at 12. I am muy sleepio.
-------------------------
Rich and Lisa sent us a congratulatory $25 gift card to Amazon, so I promptly bought two baby books for Jonathan and I. For myself, I bought Alison Sweeney's new book "The Mommy Diet". For Jonathan, I bought a book that looks both entertaining and informative: "Be Prepared: A Practical Handbook for New Dads"
-------------------------
Thursday
I thought I'd be thankful to not feel nauseas all day, but I'm scared instead. I don't "feel" pregnant anymore.
I'm going to Target to get more tests..

$25 later (some retail therapy never hurt), I am still prego. I'm apparently SUPER prego because the pregnancy line was very dark and the test line was faded, so I'm still very knocked up.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

More People Know!

Today I told my boss - with tears in my eyes! He knew we'd been trying for a long time, and two of his daughters went through similar struggles. He was thrilled! I am blessed to have a boss that believes in families and isn't fearful of maternity leave. I also learned of ANOTHER pregnancy in our office! She is due a few weeks before me, so it'll be an interesting Fall.
I was most looking forward to my small group tonight. I got to tell the women I love the most that I am pregnant! They have been walking with me through my monthly disappointments and they were thrilled with the news. Instead of baking cookies like my predecessor prego, I decided to break out into "Baby baby baby OOOOH" a la Justin Bieber. Betsy finally called me out and said "Why do you keep singing that song!" and I looked right at her and sang, "Baby baby baby ahhhlright, I'm pregnant pregnant pregnant ahhhlright"

They all expressed different forms of shock at my lyrical choice, similar to the look Jonathan had when he saw the words "pregnant" that didn't have a "not" before it. Hugs, tears, and "Praise God's!" filled the room! As we waited for Joyce to arrive, I avoided all of the crazy smells that invaded my nostrils.

Joyce came in, I promptly approached her and said "Joyce you missed it. Remember how I sang songs for everyone last year and didn't have one for myself? Well, I have one for myself this week and I need to sing it to you." "WAIT! Let me get my camera!" ha, Joyce went to grab her phone and was going to video tape me!! Betsy grabbed it so Joyce could be in the video and I began singing the first verse. The second round of Baby's and I motioned a giant belly and she started jumping up and down and screaming!!! It was the BEST reaction of the night and I am thankful we have it on video.

The coolest part is that Joyce bought the other prego a pregnancy planning calendar, but God prompted her to buy two instead of just one. And now she knew why! How cool is that?!

I love my small group so much. God is changing and rearranging so we can share the amazing relationships we have, so it was a night of mixed emotions as we reform to create two smaller groups to welcome new members. I of all people know that God knows what He's doing.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

5 weeks

Starting weight - 162 lbs
5 weeks - 163 lbs

Baby Button is the length of a grain of rice!

According to the internet, "Your baby now resembles a teeny tadpole (complete with a tiny tail) and is about the size of an orange seed. The circulatory (or blood) system, along with the heart, is the first part of that tiny body to be functional; and as your baby's heart starts to form, you may even be able to see it beating on an early ultrasound. Another part of your little tadpole that is under construction: the neural tube, which will eventually become your baby's brain and spinal cord."

My symptoms seem to be right on track. So far I have no morning sickness but I do have occasional soreness in my stomach and back. My thighs are sensitive like a sunburn -which is very odd (feeling like a large bruise and they're warm to the touch). I can smell EVERYTHING and I'm also sneezing more than usual. The girls have already increased, which I was not looking forward to. It'll be interesting to try and find clothes that can harness their power rather than advertise their presence.

On a side note, we went to Target today to look at their maternity section -  all of their blouses and dresses only have room for up to a C cup - whaaa? I didn't even have C's to begin with! I'm assuming most pregos grow larger than C's. It seems like they are only marketing toward a certain demographic rather than allowing a more realistic population buy their clothing. I'm going to try my friends' old maternity clothes to see what brands work best before I really start buying things. I may inherit some items, too!

Our Families Know Now

We told our families!

The first family member I told was Lisa (my brother Richie's wife). I emailed her a picture of the test on Thursday morning. I told her I was nervous that we didn't have other tests to back it up, but she said don't worry because, "You are SOOO PREGNANT!" haha. Lisa can always make me smile!

On Friday, I sent flowers to my parents with a note that said "Dear Grandma and Grandpa, SURPRISE! You'll be meeting your first grandchild in October! Love, Jonathan and Laura" My dad has been in the Philippines for two weeks so my mom thought he sent the flowers. She was on the phone with her good friend Rachel and she read the card out loud and started screaming and dancing with joy! Rachel and her husband John (and her kids) have been family friends since before I was born - I'm glad they know so my mom can gush over her future grandbaby with someone. Because my dad was still in the Philippines, mom said to email him, which I thought was kind of lame but it was better than waiting a day! I also emailed my Grandma and Grandpa, which again is kind of lame, but it's nice that they know now.

Jonathan wanted to send his parents a card with 4 smaller cards that spelled B-A-B-Y. We sent it yesterday, so hopefully they'll get it Monday!

Today, we just had lunch with his siblings that live in Lynchburg and they are all really excited! They said they were taking bets as to what we were going to tell them - that we were either pregnant or would be moving. Jen and David's son Kaleb turns 8 soon so David was telling us Jonathan a lot of great tips.

Friday, February 18, 2011

3 Tests Sure


I had 2 other tests in my towed car, so after we paid $90 to the very nice people who took my car, we drove home and I peed on two more tests. Both positive :)


The internet says I'm due on October 23rd. I made an appointment and they won't be able to see me until March 21st, which is when I'll be 8 weeks. So this little baby is either a Las Vegas baby or a Christmas baby (since my last period was late and so light). We'll find out soon!

So far my symptoms are just ill fitting pants and general soreness like I did too many sit-ups the night before. We're still in disbelief - a year of waiting, hoping, trying, praying, and now we are pregnant because we finally surrendered to God. wow wow wow

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Uncertain

Even though we just had a positive test, we didn't have any others left in the house to confirm. So now I'm doing what I shouldn't be doing - reading personal stories written by women at the height of emotion and devastation. Some women have been trying to conceive and had false positives, other women had chemical pregnancies (it's a very early miscarriage, like the one I likely had in November), and some women gave birth to stillborn babies.

I need to stop reading this.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

WE ARE PREGNANT!

Today was quite a day! I forgot to put makeup on this morning, which NEVER happens. Despite my non-mascara'd eyes, work was a good day as usual. At the end of the day, I left to get to my car - except it wasn't there. I GOT TOWED. It's the emptiest feeling to walk out into the parking lot and not find your car where you put it. I called Jonathan to see if maybe he drove it home instead of his, he didn't pick up. I called the towing place to see if they had my car - they did. It was waiting there for me. Ugh. Called Jonathan again, no answer. Called Amanda, no answer. Called Cami, she picked up! YAY! She picked me up and drove me to my house before small group. I hurried home, tried to find a cute outfit since we were going to be taking a group photo, got my guitar, got food supplies, and we headed out.


Also, Cami told me she is pregnant!! For the first time I cried tears of joy, not anger or jealousy. God is definitely doing a number on me! She told me before she told the rest of the group because she knew I'd be sensitive about it. She told the rest of our small group that she was pregnant and we were so excited for her! Throughout the night, the ladies would try to check in with me and ask how I was doing or if I was okay - I was fine. Surprisingly I was getting more agitated with them asking if I was okay than I was with her being pregnant before me.
After she drove me home, I was cranky and in a bad mood with Jonathan - and he was so sweet. He bought me the Starbucks Valentine's bear I wanted and I was still in a bad mood. "I just want to take a pregnancy test but I don't want to be disappointed.. should I take a test?" He said yes, so I did but I didn't want to look at the results. I made Jonathan check after 3 minutes.

"Is it still showing an hourglass?"
"no"
"... is it not pregnant?"
"....."

I ran over and saw his face with a look of half horror and half excitement, then I looked down:



WOW - it is clear as day - PREGNANT. Holy crap. Jonathan started jumping up and down, I was dancing, and our lives changed forever.



YEEEEEAAAAAAA!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Khakis

This morning I wanted to wear my khakis. I put on my white shirt, put on my khakis, then put on my green cardigan. Jon complimented how great my butt looked. A few moments later he said, "Oh I'm sorry, I may have shrunk those."
.....
I replied "No, I'm just getting fat, it's not your fault." and the more I looked at the mirror, the more I hated what I saw. I threw them off, tried on about 5 different pairs of pants/shirt/cardigan combinations, and was so frustrated with life in general. After getting in the car 5 minutes late to work, we talked about what happened and I said it was hard to go from "your butt looks great" to "those don't fit" - he said it was because they were so tight and because I looked so good that he thought they shrunk, he didn't think I was getting fat. I forget that although Jonathan likes to see my butt in clothes, he is very concious about other people seeing it. I mean, there's only so much I can do to hide this badonkadonk, but I'm going to do my best to keep my weight in control so my clothes aren't hoochie tight.

So yes, I am very bloated today which means I am likely getting my period soon. It's already been 29 days since the first day of my last period. We'll see if this one will get my hopes up and be super late like the other ones.

Monday, February 14, 2011

A Year Ago

I started this blog a little less than a year ago on Feb 22, 2010. I started it because I misread a pregnancy test and thought it was positive. I made it so I could chronicle this journey, much like my vlog I created for the 100 days before I got married. Well, 6 hours after misreading the first test (and after taking a halfday from work and buying a baby blanket and card from Target so I could surprise Jonathan), I took another test and it was negative. We were devastated.

SO much has happened in a year. I never thought God would allow us to wait over a year since we started trying on Christmas of 2009. I know His plan is bigger than mine. I surrendered this desire to him last month and I could immediately see a change in my attitude toward children and pregnant women. I still got a sore attitude toward God and my circumstances, but I didn't take it out on others nearly as often. What a difference a year makes!

I'm thankful for this struggle - I know I will appreciate my children more than we would have if it was easy to get pregnant. We know they are truly a gift from God and not an expected part of being an adult.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Here Goes

For some reason, God had my cycle linked to my worship team rotation. Every Sunday, there would be another reminder of God's control and not my own. Usually this reminder would propel me onto the floor in prayer, but sometimes it would make me bitter and even more angry toward God. Even on weeks where I'd be late or it would shift, I could rely on it happening the Sunday I was on stage.

This past Sunday, our team was on stage and it was the first time I had a special. I am known as the cryer because I can NEVER get through singing a worship song without crying. Every audition I've had at my church, I've cried. This song is the first one I didn't cry through which is a miracle unto itself because the words are so powerful:

I never got anywhere by running away.
I never learned anything without a mistake.
Never loved anyone by playing it safe
It's a long way down, but I'm here right now so

Here goes nothing
Here goes everything
Gotta reach for something or you'll fall for anything
Take a breath, take a step.
What comes next - God only knows.
So here goes!

I don't want to turn around and wonder what happened.
"Never lost" and "never found" are one in the same
I wanna run accross the battle lines and take my chances
Not the long way 'round, when I'm here right now

(Chorus)

And what good is chance not taken?
What good is life not livin'?
What good is love not given?

(Chorus)

Ahhhhh such a powerful song. The words are so simple but they can kick you in the face at the same time.

"Never lost and never found are one in the same"

STOP

I really need to stop reading my pregnant friends' blogs and facebooks. It's very depressing.

Tomorrow is the day of my own birth. 26 years ago my mom had her only girl on Valentine's Day.

"everyone does it"
(bleeeep)

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Nausea

Been feeling achy and queasy lately. Ewww.
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Friday, February 11, 2011

I feel loved

I feel very loved today. My staff decorated/trashed my office with streamers, baloons, and a Laura look-alike. It was such a welcome surprise as I trudged in with a sinus infection. They also surprised me with a birthday lunch!! I am beyond blessed - my staff is awesome.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Perspective

Wow. I have been incredibly selfish and assuming about my life. Last night I realized that my heart is not in the right place. How dare I dismiss the Word of God! How dare I dismiss the encouragement of a colleague! I am selfish and bitter and those are not from God.

Last night was First Wednesday at our church, which is a night of worship for us to seek God's word and praise Him with music. I'm on the worship team and joined with my team members to lead the congregation in musical worship. I am finally just now surrendering my path to God. I know I've talked the talk, but I never really fully just gave it up so God could have it.

Well, since giving it up, I realized I don't need to have a baby and it's not my right to have a baby, and it's not God's will for us to have had a baby now. I'm going to enjoy this parentless time as best I can because as soon as I'm knocked up, my life will be different. Obviously, I'm not done with this pre-kids life yet so I need to use it to glorify God as best I can.

So yea. Hopefully I'll be posting less frequently for a little bit :)

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Ugh.

I'm chatting with one of my former colleagues right now. He's talking about he's jealous that we were able to go to Las Vegas and how he wished he could go but his wife is pregnant with their third child. Then he asks if there's anything new and exciting in our lives, I promptly let him know that no we aren't pregnant yet but we are leaning into God as we wait. He then starts talking about how that is an exciting place to be because he was there recently when they needed a new minivan for their growing family. He said that as soon as they prayed, God answered with a minivan on Craigslist.

"it was amazing to watch how it all came together"

Yea. Good for you. God answered your prayer within 24 hours. Awesome.
I responded the best I could:

"that's awesome! God's timing is perfect."
"Yea :) it sure is"

he continued:

"so I know when you are waiting for something how wearing that can be - so I hope my story encouraged you a little today."
"God isn't answering us quite as quickly, but we're still praying"
"yeah. and think of the story you can share with others on the other side of things. Psalm 107 is a great passage. That talks about that kind of thing"

Really? David talks about wanting to have a child while others sneeze them out every year? Pardon my snark, but it seems that parts of it are talking about how the foolish are complaining and not reeping the blessings of the Lord. Then it talks about how stupid people are and how we need saving over and over again.

But alas, I know I need to be thankful. I'm thankful I could go to Las Vegas because we are childless and can afford to act foolish? Does that work?



(breathes)



Normally I would edit the bitterness and only keep the happy sunshine and unicorns. I want to be as authentic as possible with this blog because I know I'm not alone and I know other women experience these emotions and reactions. I truly am thankful that this experience is bringing Jonathan and I closer together rather than tear us apart, that is something that can only happen by the grace of God. I'm thankful to be here right now having the experiences I have. I'm thankful that God saved a wretch like me because I sure as hell didn't deserve to be saved in the first place (I say "sure as hell" because that's where I should be going if it were not for the grace of God). I'm going to go re-read that Psalm now.


(PS - I blocked another 4 people from my FB newsfeed because of their recent announcements. It seems that as soon as one group pops, another group gets knocked up.)