I wanted to post a snapshot of what I'm feeling in this moment. It's not a pretty picture, but its a real one.
-A close friend (who is two months younger than me) told me last week she is expecting her fourth child.
-Another friend told me a few minutes ago that they are expecting their third child.
-Three of my friends/friend's spouse had a baby in the past two weeks.
-Two of my co-workers are going to give birth in 2-3 months, so they are fully showing.
In all this and our negative pregnancy tests, I am constantly reminded that we will not be having a baby. What is God trying to tell us? What is the message I'm supposed to be getting besides the reminder that we don't have what we have been working toward? This week has been absolutely horrible to my heart. The desire to conceive has consumed my thoughts, dreams, and emotions.
In a blip of reason a few days ago, I posted the following:
So, let me just say that God really does know what He's doing. I think as women, we can get really jealous at what other women have and we want things when it's not our time. God continues to show me that He's blessed me and delivered me from pretty horrible situations, but I quickly forget those blessings when I see different blessings that other people have. I'm such an Israelite sometimes. I'm learning (and I think I'll always be learning) that God gives us what we need when we need it. He hears our prayers the instant we have them, and He always knows when to answer them.
It was a blip because I've resorted back to my bitter jealousy of others who
have what I don't have. Lord, help me remember. Please help me remember.