Sunday, January 30, 2011

Relaxing in Vegas

After a treacherous drive, we made it to northern virginia in one piece. We did hit a mailbox, but who's counting? (Notice how I was JUST talking about adventures. This guy always brings the drama, haha)

Vegas is a nice getaway. Few children, lots of young people, and beautiful sites to see.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


Jonathan and I tend to have a lot of adventures together, usually they are unintentional.

Tonight we were going to get Jon's sample to the lab. The lab closed at 6pm and we get off of work at 5pm, so we got home at about 5:15pm, got back out the door at 5:45pm, drove to the lab we used last time, Jon stayed in the car while I jumped out with the sample inside of my sweatshirt, got to the lit office, knocked on the locked door, and the custodian came up and said (through the locked door) that he thinks they closed 2 hours ago. It was the wrong lab. It was 5:57, meaning there was no time for us to get to the other lab. We can't do another sample for 3 days. We'll be in Vegas until Sunday. FML.

Jonathan, the light of my life, said that maybe this is God telling us to stop rushing things. I keep saying that I'm okay with waiting this long, but am I really? Am I enjoying this time? Am I thankful for it? Or am I going through the motions so I can hurry to the next chapter?

I'm also considering not doing IUI's quite yet. At tonight's Dave Ramsey session, I kept thinking that the money we would use for an IUI could pay for a local adoption. I'm going to be praying a lot this weekend.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Next Steps

Saw the doc for a pap and we talked a bit about future options. She mentioned that after I do the HSG, we could start intrauterine insemination (IUI) with the clomid. I was a little shocked, I told her I thought we just talked about the clomid first to see if that worked. She said she'd like to do both to really increase our chances, so I said "okay!" Jon's also going to do another test soon. To make him feel better, I had the doctor write a perscription for more sex. I'm going to frame it for Valentine's Day! haha

My biggest concern about doing IUI so soon is really just financial. I'm excited, I'm not scared about the pain or anything, but I know it tends to get pricey. My parents have said they would help us in any way they could. I heard that insurance will cover the first go-around but I need to check on that. I don't want to go running to mommy and daddy for help. I'm going to let them know what the doctor says and not tell them the cost - they can offer if they want to.

On a semi-related note, we start the Dave Ramsey series tonight so we can better manage our money. I want to prepare like we're going to have twins so we can be in good shape either way. If we end up with one beautiful baby, we'll have enough to donate to someone who needs it.

I like the feeling of motion - I like knowing that we are progressing in some way down this road.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Phone Tag

So I FINALLY got a hold of the doctor's office: they called my cell, work, and emailed me to call them back. After my meeting, I called them and waited on hold for about 10 minutes to the tune of bad Paul McCartney and Kenny G.

She politely let me know that I haven't had a pap smear since 2008 - Really?! This just is another confirmation that the other doctor's office didn't know what they were doing. They let me go 2 full years without an updated pap. I didn't realize I was that far behind because I assumed they would tell me when I needed another one, like how the dentist sends you a postcard with a happy tooth in the mail when you need another cleaning.

Appointment set for tomorrow at 10:45. More waiting room fun times will ensue I'm sure.

PS - another girl at work is pregnant. If my November had resulted in a pregnancy, we'd have the same due month.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Dr. Called

A nurse called and left a message at 9:15, I returned the call at 9:30, I called again at 3:00, she called back at 4:50, I called back at 5:07. They closed at 5:00.

I have no idea why they called, I don't know what is going on, and they're closed until Monday. My guess is that they called because they received the info from the other doctors and maybe that had questions? Maybe they looked closer at the results? I won't know until Monday because I was 7 minutes late. What the frell.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Stupid Things People Say

When people ask why we're waiting so long to have kids, I politely let them know we've been trying for a while and are hoping it's God's will for us soon. Among the many responses I've received, so far I can identify with 5 of these ridiculously insensitive and downright "did you really just say that?" moments:
Alright, I need to write this post because let's face it, people have said some really stupid things to me over the last 18 months. Sometimes I wonder if people even think before they speak. My husband likes to remind me that I can't hold it against them. They don't understand infertility. They don't know what to say. I know. How about not saying anything at all! In all fairness, he is probably right but it doesn't stop me from remembering their comments and then posting them on here to have a good laugh. And yes these are all things I have been told. I'm sure many women have heard the same.

10. Just relax and you will get pregnant. Mmm.. true. Stressing out does not improve anything but all the tequila and vacations in the world will not change my husband's sperm count.

9. I know someone who tried and tried for years and couldn't get pregnant, adopted and then BAM all of a sudden she had a natural pregnancy. Of course you know someone. So does my hairdresser and my cleaning lady's ex-husband's cousin. And no she didn't just BAM get pregnant all of a sudden because you just told me she tried and tried for years. Maybe she was cool with conceiving at 39 for the first time, but I'm not.

8. Ugh it sucked we got pregnant the first month. We didn't even get to practice. You didn't even get to practice? What happened? Did your husband's penis fall off after your conceived? You can't DO IT when you are preggo? Maybe you should have used a condom if you didn't want to conceive.

7. OMG I am getting fat. Yup that's what happens when you get pregnant. Oh I'm sorry, you want pity from me?

6. Being pregnant sucks. You're so lucky. I would kill for a glass of wine. You want to know what sucks? Spending 11 thousand to inject myself daily, harvest my eggs and then hope to God that one takes when I put it back in because that it the only way I can become a mom. Man am I lucky I can get drunk though!

5. I know he has a low count but you only need one sperm! Actually no, we need millions to get the job done the old fashioned way. We even need millions for insemination.

4. Did you try charting your ovulation? My neighbour's sister tried for 12months and then used ovulation test sticks and conceived the first month. 1) Your neighbour's sister is obviously dumb. 2) Do you really think I am about to blow 11k on the most complicated fertility procedure that exists and not even know if I ovulate?

3.Just wait until you have kids and you'll see. It's not as fun as it seems. They're so much work. Hold the phone! Cancel the cycle! I had no idea kids required patience and hard work. Yuck! What was I thinking?

2. I don't know about all those fertility treatments. Are you sure? You're going to end up with like 6 kids. Yes I am going to be JUST like octomom. Idiot.

1. Oh well just think, if it doesn't work, you can just do it again. You bet. Next time we will use your credit card ok?

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

New Year New Doctor

I saw my new doctor today and I think she probably thinks I'm a nut, haha. I cried a lot. I walked into the waiting room and saw a co-worker and we chatted about why we were there, then I saw the girl that said "Everyone's done it" and we didn't say hello to each other. It's not that I don't like her, but I'm tired of the constant reminders that we're not pregnant. We didn't even make eye contact, so maybe she didn't see me?

Went in, got basic things done, cried because there were photos of newborns staring at me, went in the room to wait and started crying, so I grabbed a tissue and the doc came in as I was behind the door getting a tissue. I said "oh sorry! I'm just hiding." She probably doesn't realize my sense of humor so "I'm just hiding" may not have been the best thing to vouch for my mental and emotional stability in this journey to motherhood.

We talked, she recommended a hysterosalpingogram (HSG), then she'll put me on clomid. (You may recall that this procedure was recommended in November and there was no follow-up from the nurse doctor). I asked if I could be put on clomid first and she said that the HSG is a two fold procedure - it will help check my plumbing while flushing it out at the same time. I have to have it done on the first few days of my period, so we have to wait until next month because we were only a day late to have it done this month. That really sucked to hear that I'd have to wait ANOTHER month because I was a day late to have an appointment for it. Anyway, the procedure will help the clomid work even better because the small "debris" will be out of the way. So, if all goes well, March could be the month we finally have good news to share. I can't help but think that if my previous nurse doctor had made the appointment for the HSG when she first spoke about it, we could have been on clomid and be pregnant now. Alas, can't do nothin 'bout it now.

I'm feeling hopeful. I like this new place. Plus, they had a sign that told peope to not wear scented lotions or perfumes because of people's allergies - how cool is that? (I'm allergic to a lot of perfume, lotion, candles, etc so that sign meant so much to me.)


Sitting in the waiting room.

Doom. Tomb. Claire de loon. Cocoon. Va va voom.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Pre-emptive Strikes

I blocked all of the pregnant people and new mothers in my Facebook newsfeed. No more status updates about "we just heard the heartbeat!" or "I hate getting fat" or "Come bring me food! This prego needs a sandwich!"

I canceled my doctor's appointment at my old OBGYN and made one with a new practice with an actual doctor that works 5 days a week rather than a nurse that only works once a week. (no offense to nurses at all, but as someone having fertility issues I want to be sure I can make an appointment when I'm bleeding unexpectedly and not wait until the following Thursday for blood results that are rendered inconclusive because I waited too long). Everything I've been doing has been on my own because she wasn't concerned that after a full year a healthy young couple in their 20s couldn't have a baby. What crap! Obviously something wasn't adding up, so I'm taking the initiative and going to another practice that cares about conception and not just about those who're already pregnant.

I've printed my chart and have all of my data to show my new doctor tomorrow at 10:00.

Here goes nothing, here goes everything
Gotta reach for something or you'll fall for anything

Sunday, January 16, 2011


I found some words.

I feel cheated and robbed, I feel immature and childish, I feel depressed and frustrated, I feel empty because I am empty.

I know the truth that He loves me but I don't feel the truth that He loves me. I feel left out.

Yep, its a negative.

Full flow. No baby.

No words can describe the devastation.


And on the sixth day, I bled. Time will tell if its a real flow or not.

Called the doc and left another message to have an appointment. God only knows.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Saturday, January 15, 2011

3rd post of the day

I'm getting hopeful about this one :) 5 full days late with no more than a little brown spotting that doesn't show up on a liner (implantation bleeding perhaps?) This could be it!


Now should not be the time for me to play on the internet, but I can't help myself.
  • 25 percent of all couples become pregnant in their first month of trying
  • 60 percent become pregnant within six months
  • 75 percent become pregnant within nine months
  • 80 percent of all TTC couples will be pregnant within a year
Who knows if this is actually true, but way to make me feel alone. Good job, internet.

From a PR perspective, we're in the upper 20% percentile?

Day 5 - no signs of life

No positive line, temperature up .15, more spotting. I'm getting very anxious about this becoming another November. I don't want the faint line we had on Tuesday to turn into another empty womb.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Spotting Again

I think this may be a replay of November. On the 5th day of being late, I started spotting which was promptly followed by a flood the power of two menstual cycles.

It's in God's hands, not mine. He's in control.

Hoping and Humbled

Still no period, still no line, still high temperatures.

I'm not nearly as anxious today as I was yesterday. One of the coolest things was that we received a card in the mail this morning (not yesterday afternoon but this morning!). It was from my best friend Briana and it was dated October 2010. She is moving out of her childhood home into a smaller place and in the midst of preparing, the letter didn't get mailed right away. She found it while we were chatting on the phone the other day, forgot what she wrote, but stuck it in the mail anyway.


Do not make an occasion out of none just because you want a box in ribbons and shiny paper. Let God pick the day He wants to send you a card or just-because gift. It is like looking a gift horse in the mouth. I love you both and am so proud of the parents you are already becoming!

Wow. You can't tell me that wasn't God's timing.

Also last night, Romans 15:13 was read aloud and it really rang with me. The hope He's talking about is not hope for our desires or hope for children, it's the hope of Jesus and His return. I have faith that God knows what He's doing and the hope that Jesus will return and the hope that we will join Him in Heaven. I mean we still have hope to have kids, but he's teaching me that being a parent isn't about having kids, it's about loving kids. We don't need biological children to be parents, we don't even need children in our home to be parents! We can be a mother and father to kids who need it by loving, encouraging, sharing, and most importantly listening to them and giving them our attention.

Another note (it's been a busy week!) last night after worship practice I got to sit on a couch with a young girl named Emma. Normally, I would avoid her like the plague because I haven't been able to be around kids lately without coveting and wanting one of my own. Tonight was different. Emma and I chatted like two new best friends - we talked about Ancient Egypt, Mythbusters, Dirty Jobs, evil little brothers, Labradoodles and Great Danes, and NASA. I had such a good time that I didn't realize we spent nearly 25 minutes gabbing away. I'm incredibly humbled and thankful I was able to have that time with her and learn more about her and what she's learning.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

BBT Charting :)

I made a BBT chart using a template I found online, sent it to Lisa, and she analyzed it for me. (I love Lisa, she's amazing!) and she encouraged me that the factors are looking very good. I called and left a message with my OBGYN office and made an appointment for next week, my message said "we've been trying to conceive for a year and I think we've got it this month. I'm 3 days late and my temperatures are showing that I may be, but the urine tests haven't confirmed this yet. I want to schedule an appointment next week to go over options for either result."

My stomach is "fainting" like it was in November, breasts are still tender and bigger, I'm tired, headaches, WAY emotional, and overall just different. I think this is the one.

Squelching Hope

No line at all this morning but I'm still period free. My BMT also went up .2, which Lisa says is a good sign. We'll take another test tomorrow morning and see what happens.

I'm almost sick with anxiety. My head is throbbing, my energy is zapped, I don't want to be around anybody, I randomly start crying; it's really taking a toll on my body. Then I keep thinking "Am I so emotional because I'm pregant? Am I not pregnant and my anxiety is keeping my period from coming?" Not knowing is more painful than not being pregnant. I'd rather just know if I'm not instead of waiting and squelching the hope I have in my heart so I don't get disapointed.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Very very very very very faint line

I think it needs one more "very" because this line is so faint you can't see it in pictures, otherwise I would post one.

So there you have it! We have a faint line but we're trying to not get too excited. We went to Starbucks out of the blue, which was our way of celebrating without saying so. I sent the picture to Lisa and Megan and we plan on taking another test tomorrow morning.

Could this be it? Is this the one? Is 2011 really our year?

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

.2 degrees

I'm supposed to start today. No flow, but my basal temp went down .2 degrees. It's a small decline, but it's enough to make me think there's nothing cooking in there despite some mild potential symptoms.

Jonathan and I are working out now so this will give us another month of getting healthy and preparation.

Monday, January 10, 2011


A new step in the journey - sisterhood :)

My sister-in-law Jen has created a group on Facebook for us Mills girls on our journeys to motherhood.

Kaleb's going to have a lot of cousins!!

Sunday, January 9, 2011

"Everyone's done it"

It's amazing how three words can evoke anger and tears. I was having a ladies night out with some friends, one of whom is 6 mo pregnant, and we were talking about everything from frozen yogurt to bad movies. The conversation moved to her belly, which I expected given that the other three of us were not with child and never have been. She shared her fears about becoming a mother, the unexpectedness of the pregnancy, then she said she was most scared about giving birth. She talked about how she was comforted by the fact that all people have been birthed and that "everyone's done it."

No, not everyone. I haven't. I want to.

I promptly (and politely) left and spent a few moments in the car collecting myself - I wept and screamed a few F-words in frustration at the girls and to God. It was not my best moment, but I'm not going to pretend that I don't get frustrated - sometimes I lose it and forget that I have to give it to God.I drove home, cried in Jonathan's lap, and he calmly reminded me that God's the one in control not us. (I love my husband so much. Even when I'm a total nut case, he knows what to say, how to say it, and how to comfort me).

Saturday, January 8, 2011

$600 worth of bloodwork

One vile of blood is worth $600. With insurance, we owe $113. Praise God we only owe $113 and its great savings, but its ridiculous. I'm not happy as I write this check to LabCorp.

Sunday, January 2, 2011


Mom brought this back from London for me. I am b l e s s e d!
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Saturday, January 1, 2011

2010 in Review

God taught us so much this year. Be very careful when you ask for patience, God is swift to give you something to be patient about. In this year of waiting, crying, and frustration, God has shown us hope, blessings, and thankfulness.

I am more thankful than ever for the blessings He has given us. Jesus' grace is the only thing that covers me and rescues me. In a nutshell, I was saved by grace at 13 from a past of sexual abuse and depression. After I began my life as a Christian, I fell into dangerous relationships with a different kind of sexual abuse and deeper depression. God had to separate me from my life in order to get my attention and get me on the right road. Because of His grace, I am now a 25 year old that has lived a life that some hope to have. I have traveled the world, I'm married to my best friend, I have a job that I love in the midst of this horrible economy, I have a community of believers that make me excited about my relationship with God, I have earned two college degrees with no outstanding student loans, parents that love me, in-laws that love me, and a plethora of friends that love us. I have so much more than most - I am blessed.

I learned this year that biological children are a privilege and not a right. We may not be able to have our own children, but that doesn't mean we can't be spiritual parents to children who don't have what they need. We may be destined to be foster parents. We may be destined to be adoptive parents. We may be destined to have an animal sanctuary and save homeless dogs and cats. Only God knows and I'm okay with that. (wow, I can't believe I just typed that.) I'm okay with God having control. I have peace knowing He's the one with the baton, He's the CEO in the corner office calling the shots. I trust Him because I love Him and I know He wants what is best for us.

I have learned so much this year and waiting has grown my faith and has helped me realize what I'm thankful for.