Monday, November 29, 2010

Good weekend

This weekend was really good. Both families were a joy to be with, which usually does not happen. My families (in-laws and my own family) are wonderful people with strong personalities. Usually the holidays consist of one fun family and one stressful family (the families alternate the titles on each visit). This year, both families were stress relievers instead of stress creators.

My brother's wife Lisa bought me a Basal Thermometer. She showed me how to chart my temperature and how to read the chart to determine when I ovulate and to see if I conceive before it would show up on a pee stick.

All in all it was a very good, long weekend.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Test Results

I called the Dr. Nurse and she said my hormones are normal, thyroid is normal, and everything is normal. She'll be calling me back about Jon's test results, and then she'll have me go in for a Hysterosalpingogram to check on my fallopian tubes and uterus.

More

Mariah Carey, Rachel Zoe, Christina Applegate, Alanis Morrissette, and now Pink. Celine Dion popped out twins not too long ago.

I am thankful that Guilianna and Bill Rancic are being very open about their desire and journey to have children. They have already had one miscarriage and are seeking additional treatment via IVF. Here is a very touching interview with them. My favorite part is Whoopi's encouragement to them, at the 2:20 mark.

That damn pink elephant.

Fortunately, I don't feel alone anymore. My sister-in-law is excited to have someone on this journey with her - she bought me a basal thermometer and is going to teach me how to chart everything. (She's the one who showed me the phone app that tracks the days.) My mom is very supportive, too. She still loves her grandcats and granddogs. My friend Megan has been a tremendous support, too. She's been there, done that and has the t-shirt. Both Megan and my sister-in-law understand the frustration of seeing mothers and mothers-to-be who take it for granted.

I'm done writing for now.

Another one

Another girl in our office area is pregnant now. That makes three.


Friends of ours that were married just last year are now expecting a boy. I've lost count of the Facebook babies.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Fail

I feel like a failure today. Crushed and defeated. Devastated.

I'm on the worship team at my church and our teams rotate so we sing about once a month. Murphy's Law naturally states that this would be my Sunday to sing after having one of the most emotional weeks of my life. It was tough to be an example of how to praise God through the storm because I'm not very good at it. We learned a new song that was especially encouraging/humbling/crushing/encouraging:

("Lift High" Steve Fee)

Broken people call His name
Helpless children praise the King
Nothing brings Him greater fame
When broken people call His name


God continually reminded me that it's about Him, not about me. He loves me unconditionally and wants me to have a full life, but it's still all about Him and always has been about Him. Always. I can fail, but that's the choice I make. Jesus never fails (and is also the name of another great song).

Back to my discussion board..

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Dr says..

Well, technically she was a nurse.

Anyway, she said that I likely had a chemical pregnancy, which is when the egg gets fertilized but the body lets it go right away instead of letting it stick. They still took blood to test my estrogen levels, and they want to take it again on the first day that I ovulate, which should be in a week or so. She said that 85% of couples get pregnant in the first year of trying. Guess we're in the 15th percentile.

The lady who took my blood was hilarious. As soon as I sat down, she asked how far along I was, and I said "I'm not". Then she almost cussed and said "Oh shhh.. sorry, duh, she just said that." We had a good time chatting while she tried to find a vein. I told her I had plenty of blood, but it already left my body. We hit it off right away. She hunted for a place to prick and she said I had such skinny veins. At least part of me is skinny. We talked about tattoos, boys, and how much more embarrassing it is for boys who have to give a 'sample'. I couldn't help but make a few Dexter references as she filled 3 viles with my dark red blood. I'm hoping she'll process my blood work asap so I can find out within 24 hours and not have to wait until Monday, since they're closed on Saturdays.

So there it is! It was essentially a very early miscarriage. My sister-in-law told me she bought me a basal thermometer and extra test strips. I never thought I'd be the type of woman who charts and takes my temp everyday. I suppose this is the next step if we are seriously wanting to conceive. Things aren't as easy as they seem when you watch the teenagers on MTV - we actually have to work to have offspring.

Well g'night world. I'm hopeful for tomorrow and so tired of today.


(and by the way, I heard "Puttin' on the Ritz" on the radio today. I'm pretty sure I didn't need to hear that song God, but thanks for the thoughtful reminder.)

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

In and Through

I told people that when I find out I'm pregnant, I will update my status to read "The hills are alive with the sound of music" and if I'm not, it'll say "If you're blue and you don't know where to go to why don't you go where fashion sits.."

Yesterday on my way home, "Sound of Music" came on the radio, followed by "Kids" from Bye Bye Birdie, then "I Feel Pretty" from West Side Story. (I listen to the BWay station on XM Radio). Jon and I want a little girl, so all of these songs made me think that God was telling me we were pregnant. And then I come home to more blood. I wish I could just see what is going on with my plumbing and make sure everything is okay.

The blue rubber bracelet on my right wrist says "In and Through". I asked God to help me go 'All In', and He led me through two horrible situations at the same time. One is resolved and this is still looming as He keeps leading me through the valley. A friend of mine reminded me of Ginny Owens' "If You Want Me To" when I shared about these two situations. It's a powerful song and is perfect when you're eyes are dry and in need of moisture.

More

More bleeding..

This is devastating.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Ugh

Heavy spotting..

Late

I am incredibly punctual in terms of my menstrual cycles. TMI? Well tough! I'm excited to report that I am 5 days late!! I have also noticed a change in my moods - I am more chipper and playful than usual and on the other hand, I tend to snap at things faster. I am sleeping better than ever before as well, which is a very noticable change for me.

So far, all of the home pregnancy tests are negative. We've taken about 7 so far on this cycle (which is close to $35!! yowsa!) I've likely taken about 30 pregnancy tests this year, all are negative. I made a doctor's appointment on Thursday at 3:15 to take a blood pregnancy test, which are much more accurate. If its negative, we'll be able to talk about options for getting pregnant. If its positive, then awesome!

Ahh.. this pink elephant is HUGE!!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Friday..

Friday is when my period should start. I'm going on a trip to Myrtle Beach as a staff chaperone to the Liberty University Marching Band. I will be packing feminine supplies just in case.

I told one of my co-workers that if she sees me with my hair chopped off, it means I'm pregnant.

Last night after work, I was driving home and talking to God. I asked Him to give me some kind of confirmation if I was pregnant - I started feeling like my stomach was fainting. I know that's a strange way to describe it, but it's true - it was slightly butterfly-like, but it felt like it was getting dizzy. Was it in my head? Is this all psychosomatic? I got home, took a test, while I waited I was on my face praying that I would have peace about the results, then saw the results: negative. If it was positive, I told myself I would stay home and surprise Jonathan with the news. Since it was negative, that night I went to a Mary Kay party and I was the only one there besides the host and consultant. I'm very glad I went and I had a fun time getting to know the ladies more.


Ugh, I'm just tired of waiting. I'm tired of people younger than me getting pregnant accidentally, or having no trouble on the first try. We knew before we were married that we wanted children when we were young - my 26th b'day is in February. My mom had her first when she was 26, my mother in law had her 3rd at that point. I just don't know how to not think about it. It's Wednesday and I won't really know anything definitively until Friday. TWO DAYS. It's an eternity, and the stress of it could also delay my period which would give me false hope.. ahhhhh. It's just too much sometimes.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Don't think about the pink elephant

Stop it, stop thinking about the pink elephant.

See? It's impossibile to stop thinking about a pink elephant. Same thing with babies. Every little symptom I'm having, I automatically jump to pink elephant. It could be a little gas = pink elephant. A group of zits = pink elephant. Baby ads on TV = pink elephant.


They're everywhere!!

Signs?..

My chin has erupted and I've had killer headaches a few days in a row. Plus, I've been more tired than usual.

.....