God is working
God has been pummeling me upside the head this week. I'm not the one in control; He is. I'm not the one who makes the calendar; He does. It's not about how good I am or what I do to "earn" a baby, it's up to God to bless us. I can't earn His blessing or earn His love because He loves me no matter what. He won't love me less if I'm angry and He won't love me more if I'm happy. The more I obey Him, the more I realize the freedom He gives me. He wants to give me the peace He's already provided. I've been so pigheaded and clouded by emotions and selfishness that I haven't surrendered my control to Him and accepted His peace. I need to give up my will and accept His.
The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
There is no right age to be a parent. There is no perfect age to start a family. There is no one way to do anything - God has individual plans for all of His children. I have a career I love, I have two degrees and am pursuing a third, Jonathan has a job he is enjoying, he will finish his Master's degree in a year or so, and we are at a place where we just want the next step in our walks with God. He brought us to our knees in this past week and we just want to be in His will, whatever that means. If we adopt then we want to be all in. If His will is to do in vitro, then we know God will provide the funds to do so. If He wants us to wait more years, then we will do it. I know it will be painful because it won't fit what we've envisioned for so long. I know it'll suck because it's not what we would want for ourselves. But, we know that God wants what's best for us, and if we don't have a kid right now, then there's a damn good reason for it. (Yes, I said damn because this is an epic moment. Epic moments merit powerful words.)
On a separate (but maybe not?) note, we are exploring the idea that being Christian and pursuing the American dream are not the same thing. American Christianity is very different from Biblical Christianity. It's not about storing treasures and security on this Earth but rather to store treasures in Heaven and invest in people, not things and Earthly securities.
So yea, it's been a big week!!