Each Moment

God's grace leaves me speechless. I'll try to put some words together that can glorify Him, but I know they'll always fall short of what He deserves.

In the face of tragedies in the past month, I'm left wondering about the future of our little girl. Little Oliver and Baby Joshua are now with the Lord after one hour and two months of life on this Earth, respectively. One family is praising Jesus in their sorrows while the other is seeking answers and options.

I know the common question is "Why would God allow this to happen?" It's a good question, but not a great one. It's not God's fault - it's a result of sin in the world. God gives us the gift of free will. I don't think the boys' parents sinned and this is their punishment - I think God is going to use these tragedies to bless them and show them (and others) incredible things that couldn't be seen otherwise. In both boys' deaths, His name is glorified. Although Oliver lived for one hour, I can't imagine any other life that was so saturated in love. His parents keep his ashes in his nursery and still love him; they always will. After their miscarriages, Oliver gave them hope that they can get pregnant again. Joshua's 2 month life brought glory to God because his parents chose to worship Him in the midst of their loss. Joshua's little siblings are having a hard time coping with the loss after preparing to be big brother and big sisters to him, but they have amazing examples in their home: their parents. Both Oliver and Joshua will be waiting for their families in Heaven.

So what is there to say? think? feel? What if Joanna doesn't make it through labor? What if she doesn't make it through her first week? What if she's born with Down Syndrome? What if she gets cancer before her fifth birthday? What if she has depression like her mom? What if she can't have children of her own? There are millions of questions I could ask God about our sweet baby girl. There are some things I can know for certain without asking Him: I know He is for us. I know He loves Joanna more than we do just like I know God loves little Oliver and baby Joshua.

I had this status earlier: "Joanna has the hiccups. Each movement gives me another moment to praise God for her." That's the best thing I can do with my uncertainty: praise Him for our growing baby, our strong marriage, our small adorable house, and most importantly our salvations.

This video continues to ring in my heart from our days of trying to conceive.

In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that You are God

In the chaos and confusion
I know You're sovereign still

It's still true. 


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