Stupid Things People Say To/About Mothers That Don't/Can't Nurse
- But breast milk is so much more nutritious!
- No crap Copernicus.
- When my baby was just nursing, she lost weight instead of gaining. I tried and tried but my supply was just never enough for her. So what's better for my growing child: not enough of great food or a full portion of good food?
- But nursing is so much cheaper than buying formula!
- I pay approximately $10-$13 a week on formula using coupons. I also have generous friends that give me their samples that they aren't using.
- Meanwhile we've invested over $350 on breastfeeding that we'll never see again:
- $35 on a class at the hospital, $200 on a breast pump (normally $300), $10 on a modesty cover, $12 on pads, $75 on a lactation consultant, $25 on supplements, and $30 on 6 boxes of tea that was supposed to make me drip like Niagara Falls.
- But did you try [insert something I've tried]?
- See above for the expense report.
- You just have to keep trying, it will come.
- It's not always a mystical baseball field of "if they drink it, more will come." I tried nursing/pumping for two months. My supply never increased, only decreased.
- It's God's design.
- I know that's how God designed it. As Reese from Malcolm In The Middle once said, "Women are the cows of people!"
- Without getting into a theological debate, I'll just say that God's original design didn't include blindness, cancer, or six toes on one foot. Some believe that the presence of sin has created these imperfections. All I know is that I'll have a great body in Heaven and it may or may not include fully functioning udders.
- Nursing will help you lose that baby weight.
- I know. Cardio would help me lose weight, too. And smoking.
- Nursing decreases your risk of breast cancer.
- I know. So does Cardio. And not smoking.
- Don't you miss bonding with her?
- .. because I hide her in the closet all day? I have one of the smiliest and most social infants I know. She knows the sound of my voice and smiles when she sees me. I think we're good.
- But breastfed babies are smarter.
- To be fair, there are plenty of dumb people that were breastfed.
- But breastfed babies are less likely to be obese.
- True, but the more important statistic is that kids with healthy parents are less likely to be obese. I feel like it's about the parenting versus what they ate as a child.
- I could never just stop nursing; I love him/her too much.
- ... okay, no one really says that, but you can tell that's what they're thinking.
Moms, you may mean well when you try to give advice or say things like, "I'll pray for you that you can nurse again", but it makes me feel like I'm broken and inadequate. I think a better response would be "oh okay. I like Joanna's outfit today." or "You're so lucky that you can actually accomplish stuff around the house."
Even though I didn't plan on using formula and I would love to still nurse my baby, I'm going to look on the bright side of life. So here's my list!
Positive Side Effects of Being a Mother That Doesn't Nurse:
- I can drink alcohol whenever I want.
- I can eat mercury-laden fish.
- Other people can enjoy feeding her. Grandparents especially love this positive side effect.
- If I worked, I wouldn't have to use my lunch break to huddle in a corner with my black tote bag.
- I can go out for extended periods of time without proclaiming that I have to leave early to "open the flood gates".
- My boobs will (hopefully) shrink back to just "big" instead of "holy cow".
- No more awkward pump noises coming from an inconspicuous black tote bag.
- Best side effect: I can use the 30-40 minutes every 2 hours I used to spend trying to nurse to spend time smiling and playing with my daughter.
In other news, who wants to buy a slightly used breast pump? All proceeds go toward buying more formula for my dumb, obese baby! I kid, I kid. But seriously, who wants to buy the pump?